Grieving Through the Holiday Season
Author: Julia Duz, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying)
Trigger warning: This post contains references to death and grief, which may be distressing to some readers.
Grief is an experience that many, if not all, of us will face at some point in our lives. Yet, we often struggle to talk openly about it. Whether we’re holding space for someone we care about who is grieving or navigating our own grief, we sometimes shy away from these conversations because they make us or others uncomfortable.
We may avoid talking about our grief to avoid “upsetting” others, because we feel too vulnerable, or because societal or familial norms tell us it’s not “acceptable” to do so. I know—grief is hard enough on its own, without the added weight of societal expectations, family dynamics, and complex emotions. Add the holidays to the mix, and it can feel like a recipe for disaster. If you’re dreading this time of year, please know you are not alone.
What may have once been a season of joy and togetherness can quickly become a time of hopelessness and isolation. This feeling can be exacerbated if we feel unable to talk about our grief due to family dynamics or social norms. That said, there is hope. Below are a few things you can do to make the holiday season more bearable. These tips not only challenge societal norms and encourage open conversations about grief, but they also foster connection, create ways to honor your loved one(s), and—most importantly—help you feel less alone.
1. Talk About Your Grief
If it feels right for you, talk about your grief with friends and family—even if it makes them uncomfortable. You don’t need to hide your grief for the sake of others’ comfort. This could look like sharing stories about your loved one(s) who have died: their favorite holiday traditions, a funny memory, or what they were like. It could also mean sharing how you’ve been feeling, what you’re going through, and how grief has impacted your life.
You might do this one-on-one with someone you trust, in a larger family setting, or even with a professional. Connection is vital during this time of year, and you might be surprised at how many people can relate to your experience.
2. Find a Support Group
This leads me to my second tip: find a grief support group. There are many virtual and in-person options available, so look for one that feels like a good fit. Alternatively, you could create your own support network of empathetic friends or family members.
Having a stigma-free space to connect with others who understand and relate to what you’re going through is invaluable. It not only opens the door to meaningful connections but also helps build a support system and a sense of community, fostering hope for the future.
3. Honor Your Loved One
Do something to honor your loved one. Whether it’s leaving a chair open for them at dinner, volunteering in their memory, or simply saying their name, choose something that feels meaningful to you.
Starting a new tradition that allows you to feel connected to your loved one(s) can create new memories while keeping them as part of the holidays. If it feels right, include your friends and family in these moments. This can help encourage conversations about grief and keep your loved one(s) present in your gatherings.
4. It’s Okay to Change Your Mind
You’ve received the invitation. To go or not to go? It’s okay to say no, and it’s okay to say yes—then change your mind and say no later. It’s also okay to go back and forth every day leading up to the event, filled with uncertainty.
Grief is messy and confusing, and the truth is, you might not know how you’ll feel until the day—or even the hour—of the event. Give yourself permission to change your plans if the moment comes and you just can’t bring yourself to go.
A helpful tip is to let the host know you can’t commit to a yes or no just yet. Not only does this give you an opportunity to speak openly about your grief and advocate for your needs, but it can also relieve some of the pressure to decide in advance, allowing you to make the choice day-of.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Finally—and perhaps most importantly—practice self-compassion. Just as it’s okay to change your mind about plans, it’s also okay to go out and have a wonderful time, stay home and cry, or do anything in between.
Whatever you choose to do and however you choose to cope with your grief, I encourage you to approach yourself with compassion. Notice when your inner voice starts to say “I should” or “I shouldn’t,” and challenge those thoughts with kindness. For example, if your inner voice says, “I should be spending time with my family right now,” self-compassion might respond, “I’m taking the time I need to grieve, and that’s okay.”
Grief comes in waves, and you don’t always know when it will hit. The holidays can be an especially challenging time, with those waves coming faster and harder. Remember that you are not alone, and you can get through this.
If you need additional support, please reach out to:
Exhale Therapy: Offering compassionate counselling services tailored to your needs. Visit www.exhaletherapy.ca for more information.
Bereaved Families of Ontario: Providing free virtual peer support groups, resources, and community connections for those experiencing grief. Visit www.bereavedfamilies.ca or email info@bereavedfamilies.ca.
Distress Centres of Greater Toronto: Offering 24/7 crisis support and services for those experiencing emotional distress or grief. Call 416-408-4357 or visit www.torontodistresscentre.com.
Kids Help Phone: Providing confidential support for youth 24/7. Call 1-800-668-6868 or text CONNECT to 686868.
Hope for Wellness Helpline: Offering 24/7 culturally sensitive support for Indigenous peoples. Call 1-855-242-3310 or chat online at www.hopeforwellness.ca.
ConnexOntario: A free 24/7 helpline for mental health, addictions, and crisis support. Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit www.connexontario.ca.
Disclaimer:
This article is intended for informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice or a substitute for professional consultation. It's important to seek help from a qualified mental health professional. They can provide you with a personalized diagnosis, treatment plan, and support to manage your symptoms effectively.