Tending to our Emotions
Considering everything going on right now, many of us are feeling a range of emotions at any given moment. On top of that, our kids are likely experiencing this range of emotions as well. So how can we help support our kids navigate their own emotional experiences? We can begin by tending to our own.
We want to start by gaining an awareness of our own emotions.
Maybe emotions show up for us within our bodies - our stomach aches when we feel guilty or our heart rate increases when we feel nervous. By holding an awareness, we can begin to understand what is happening for us.
We then want to label the emotion(s).
Maybe we’re feeling anxious about the uncertainty of current times. Maybe we’re feeling grateful for the health of our loved ones. The important thing to remember is that there is no right or wrong way to be feeling. The goal here is to simply recognize and identify our emotional experiences as they are.
Once we can identify what we’re feeling, we’re going to try and validate ourselves.
Validating our emotions is all about approaching them with openness, curiosity and acceptance. We can demonstrate openness and curiosity towards our emotions by asking questions like, ‘what does the anxiety want me to know?’ Or ‘what is the sadness trying to tell me?’ Accepting our emotions just as they are may sound like ‘I understand that I’m feeling anxious as many things are uncertain right now’ or ‘I understand that I feel sadness because I haven’t been able to connect with loved ones.’
Our emotions give us information about our needs and help motivate us to take action. Thus, once we better understand our emotions, we can begin to develop ways of attending to our needs.
Maybe we are feeling angry with our teenage child because they aren’t keeping their room tidy. When we feel angry, we often perceive an injustice and require space, boundaries or the need to feel heard. Whatever the emotion is, there is likely an associated need. Take a moment to consider what this might look like for you by asking yourself, ‘what is the emotion telling me about what I need in this moment?’
Lastly, we want to reflect on how we can meet this emotional need.
This may take some creativity as it will look different for everybody. Maybe when you are feeling angry with your teenage child, it would feel helpful to create some space for yourself in that moment. Or maybe it would feel important to communicate boundaries or expectations with your child. Maybe the anger is masking other feelings such as feeling like you’re not doing a good job as a parent, in which case you might need reassurance and support from your partner or another supportive person in your life.
When we can identify, validate and meet the needs of our own emotions, we can help our children navigate their own emotional experiences. Remember that it is not realistic to do this perfectly and by being kind to ourselves in the process, we can model realistic expectations for our children. So much of what our children learn is a product of witnessing and mimicking our behaviour – the ways we engage with emotions and work through challenging moments, etc. We often focus on teaching children in directive ways and forget the power in modeling that which we hope they will learn.
Tending to our own emotions may impact our approach to parenting in a few different ways. We can better understand what gets in the way of being the parent we aspire to be. We can model self-compassion, understanding and acceptance of emotions for our children. And lastly, when we recognize and meet our own emotional needs, we have greater capacity to help our children do the same.
Written by: Melissa Letourneau, MSc, RP (Qualifying)
References
Lafrance, A., Henderson, K. A. & Mayman, S. (2020). Emotion-focused family therapy: A transdiagnostic model for caregiver-focused interventions. American Psychological Association.
Siegel, D. J. & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam Books Trade Paperbacks.